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Okay so, a few of you might know what's going on right now. I was homeless for quite a few months. I don't feel like getting into that whole story just yet, but I really do need to lay this one out for sure. Sometimes I just feel like a complete failure and sometimes writing things out make me clear my head and help me gain back some sense of pride and comfort. Lately things have been kind of complicating. Financially, job wise, and depending on the day it's mentally. But anyways, I had in epiphany today. It wasn't one of those great, majestic epiphanies. I guess it was just an eye opener. I wont go into too much detail on as to what was said to me today, but alas it made me think of myself as a failure.

I have been promoting and booking bands since the age of fifteen (turning twenty this September.) I can remember as if it was yesterday... I was doing shows, going to many shows, meeting people, networking, and having the time of my life. Since the past year and a half or so, I haven't been having that kind of feeling. I put my promoting life on hiatus a bit without even knowing so. I guess I just had that continuous feeling of failure, so that lead me to not even trying. I feel so embarrassed at the fact that I didn't take my own advice. Sometimes it's just hard to process some of that information in your head and realize that you yourself are correct. I want to be the best, I want to make a difference in the music scene. The only way I know I can do that is if I don't stop trying. I'm going to fight for what I want and get it eventually...I just have to...my goals are all I have to call as my own.

I recently decided that it's about goddamn time that I do something about it. I cant promise a show right now, but more a likely something in regards to management, clothing line, and finally getting interviews and my book started. I will be starting a savings account just for those things, just to get things started. I'll be doing that sometime next week after all of this Wells Fargo and Wachovia bs is over haha. Yeah...I just need to get things back in order. Tonight was a night that most definitely helped me open myself back up into the scene that I know I belong in.

Just gotta keep my head up in the game and move along...

-Jacky

Life.

As some of you know, Matt and I had recently got kicked out of my parents house. That happened about a week and a half ago. We are currently staying at my Aunts desperately trying to figure things out. We have two options. One is to stay in Dallas and the other is to drive out to California and stay with my other Aunt for about a month. This is probably the first time in my life in which I don't know what to do or what to pick. I'm stuck in between. Everywhere we go I always feel as if our welcome is past due. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I'm tired of it.

Life was never fair to begin with and it may never be. But my god I will somehow pull through all of this insane madness. Whether I be in Texas or in California, I just want us to survive. I've been stressed this whole time. Possibly more than I ever had been before in my entire life. It's scary to experience this and I know I cannot afford to express my fear. It's times like these that really test the strength and love in a relationship. Knowing us, we'll get through this together just fine. So please if you're reading this and happen to be worried about me...don't! I have the passion to make this turn out all okay. Talk to you guys soon, feel more than free to give me a call.

Times are sure changing...

I feel so stressed out more than ever. I always knew that being on my own would be hard, but I believe that finding that right place is even harder. It's been tearing me to pieces but I know that I need to stay positive for both Matt and I. This is something that's going to be hard to get ready for and hard to accomplish. But I have faith in doing so. Time doesn't seem to be on my side but then again it never is. This isn't going to be long. I just needed to write down something to help relieve myself some of this feeling. I love Matt with everything that I have and I know that's the main reason why I haven't given up on this. Farewell for now.

Believing in Someone

Whoever reads this, whether I know you, am related to you, am a friend of yours, have met you just a few times, met you only once, had previously been a friend of yours, or don't even know you at all. I just want to tell you that I have faith in you. When you feel as if there is no one out there believing in you, I just want to let you know that I do. Because no one in this world deserves to not have someone believing in them. There isn't a moment in my life in which I believe that no one believes in me because I know that people do. I know that the number that do believe in me is minimal, but in this case numbers don't count. It's the fact that someone, whether it be one or a million people, believe in you.

No one should ever doubt their capabilities of accomplishing their goals in life. No one should ever have to put their dreams to the side. No one should ever give up on their dreams because their family and or friends don't approve of them. No one should ever be told who they can and cant love. No one should judge someones capability of loving another person if they are the legal age. No one should ever, EVER have to deal with a lot of the bullshit that's going on in their lives. But in reality it's these moments that make us stronger in our lives. For the sake of me and for the sake of YOURSELF prove those motherfuckers wrong. It's your life that you're in charge of and you are the only one who is capable of controlling it.

An Angry Blog, Written by an Angry Me.

I'm angry. I'm pissed. I'm more agitated than anything. I'm tired of seeing good people get surpassed and get looked down upon. I'm tired of seeing amazing bands get passed up by people and labels. I'm fucking sick of the racism and bigotry that still lingers around in the world and media. I'm sick of seeing ignorance on the television screen. I'm tired of the fact that many treat others like they are disposable. When will this world change? Who is going to change it? The only answer to that is you, yourself, and your actions.

I am doing my best to make an impact on this world. I really am, but sometimes I just feel as if the rest of the world is lagging. I don't think that everyone (not saying all) are doing their part in society. Many are being too dependent on others to make the change. When really, it's the person that wants the change that needs to MAKE the change. You can't just sit on your ass thinking to yourself that the whole world will revolve around you. Sitting is an action, but it does not create action. I know that some of you are in the slumps and feel as if you wont make an impact on this world. You can, everyone can! It's just that you need to make all of the continuous effort that you have in your life. Every day is a battle and yesterday will never come back. But I believe that tomorrow is another chance to triumphantly kick yesterday's ass. So never give up on your goals in life and never doubt the capability of yourself and how big your dreams and ideas are.

So in all, I hope that throughout my lifetime, I will inspire people. I aspire to inspire and will continue to do so throughout my life. Hopefully, my words will mean something to you my dear friend. I know that we are all struggling, but we are all struggling to make it out alive. So you're not alone (:

-Jacky

Are we growing up?

Yes, today is my birthday. Well, at least in a few more minutes it will all be over sadly. I've always loved my birthday as a kid, due to the fact that my Granparents and family always made them fun. When I was a kid, I always saw birthdays as the opportunity of getting one year closer to being a "big kid." Yet little did I realize how much I long to have those days back, how much those childhood days were so...free. Now, it just feels as if responsibility is a key for survival. In which it totally is and I think right now it had just hit me.

I've always been taught to never regret what I've done because it all happened for some apparent reason. Whether the fact that I did something to cause the situation or someone else did something to cause the situation as well. Who really knows why, but what we do know is that we should always take responsibility for the right actions. For instance, keeping track of things. This is something I know that takes awhile to perfect. I myself still have trouble with it. I feel as if I get so caught up in the feeling of excitement, I tend to annex out reality for a few seconds ahaha. I just...really want to change that. So starting right now, I will do some growing up and change a few things that I don't like about myself. I'm going to place my foot down and realize that only I can make this happen.

In regards of today's event's, it was nice. Besides working for about seven hours in the morning! Well hey, money is money right? My mom had baked me a home made cake that turned out excellent! Thanks mom! Ate some vegan pizza from Pizza Fusion (a place that is entirely AMAZING! I will be taking Muddy there n___n oh and once again thanks mom!), and went to go and see Inglorious Basterds with Mara...which was the most AMAZING movie ever. If you haven't seen it yet, I suggest that you do so soon. It's entirely worth it. You'll be laughing, get caught in the suspense, and be in complete awe! That movie totally deserves a million awards. So in all, this years birthday was probably one of the best that I've had in years. It was simple, nice, and calming.

As odd as this sounds, the reason that triggered me to write this blog is because of the fact that I had forgotten to submit my Government assignment. Granted that we all slip up once in awhile in school, but for some reason this one hit me hard, partially because Government is one of my favorite topics. I guess lately I've been feeling so out of the loop. I never really liked school and I guess it's just odd to re-adjust myself. From what I'm assuming, I feel disappointed in myself. I know that right now is a rough time but that is not excusable when it comes to getting things done. I can pull through with this...I know I can.
Argh, I don't really know what to blog about, but all I know is I need to type about something. I just have this little ounce of angst in my pounding chest. I have some blogs that are pending on writing but I just don't feel like writing those at the moment. I guess right now a lot of my stress is just slightly getting worse, but this time I am letting a little of it out instead of bottling that crap in. Because I think we all know what happens when that goes down.

It's been quite a morning so far, the only exciting parts happened in the wee hours with Mara. Then again what moments aren't momentous with her lol! No wonder why she's my best friend ahaha. Just talked about the show, how I am getting almost no replies with the headliner's booking agents, and how it's going to basically be one of the most AMAZING things ever. Not to mention, for an amazing organization, Keep A Breast. Around that time, I also happened to stumble upon the site, www.givesmehope.com. I think that it is the one site that has truly made me hella smile and feel reassured that there are morally good and kind individuals in this world.

However awhile, I had to face reality head on. I learned that the only person I can count on in my house is myself. I'm sick and fed up with having to deal with all of this nonsense it's literally forcing me to wake up. I will no longer want to have to deal with any financial reliance on my parents. I am forever forgetting about that option with them. Anyways, honestly all I can really do is stay positive about this whole thing and try to figure things out for myself. I just know I can get through this all...

I don't know what else to really put folks (: I'm going to try and update this a bit more. It might help with some of my writing skills, since I am starting "school" again today ahaha. ONLINE CLASSES FTW!
Lately, things to me have become more obvious than ever. I've began to really and fully understand the people around me and a lot of where they come from. Like where their priorities lie, who they want to be as people, and what they want to do to make a difference in this world. As time progresses onward, I begin to see that "making a difference" seems to be diminishing in music. And many of you wonder why there is so much negativity and trash floating around in this world, look at the crap that is being streamed through the radio and online.

From what I can remember, bands used to sing about societal issues, problems at home, struggling to make it through, and how we should never ever give up on our dreams. I'm not trying to be some egotistical music nazi or anything but why the hell is some of this crap being allowed to fall under the gracious name and title of "music?" Perhaps one of the biggest issues today in our music scene concern the infamous trio: Jeffree Star, Millionaires, and Brokencyde. For anyone that knows me very well, they know the amount of disrespect and disgust that I have towards them, well at least musically related. They are probably somewhat decent people...or maybe not. Who really knows. I believe that to some extent, we are allowed to express our thoughts and opinions to the rest of the world. But seriously talking (because I wouldn't even classify it as singing) and/or screaming like a mindless idiotic banshee about vulgar terms and actions just more than crosses the line. It like totally crossed the line, jumped the fence, and ran across the state border. Is their music something that we should really pass down to the next generation? What kind of message are they sending out to kids, kids that can be easily influenced by this shit. Music is supposed to convey and spread a positive message to the rest of the world. It's what makes us human beings, we all live and thrive off of what we listen to and hear. Whether we like to admit it or not, music will always and forever influence our daily lives. The last thing I like to hear is something that's spreading negative statements and promoting distasteful acts.

But on a positive note, I believe it's bands like those that will drive the passion even harder in a few of the worthy individuals in the music scene. Because believe it or not, there are musicians out there that put and give all that they have to offer for us. We just need to find it and listen to it. I believe that people need to open their eyes and ears to this genuine music, because that is the ONLY way to let the horrible and distasteful crud go away...or at least not let it have credibility that they sure as hell don't deserve.

Reason Why I picked that line for the "Subject" line: H20 is perhaps one of the most influential bands of today when it comes to the music scenes original hardcore roots. Many of hardcore bands of today fail to realize where their roots lie and only progress from bands such as Drop Dead Gorgeous, Alesana, Attack Attack, or The Devil Wears Prada. I'm not saying that those bands are horrible or that they have no respectable standards, because I effing love The Devil Wears Prada, and have for a few years. I'm just saying that many young kids don't know where their musical roots come from and that I believe that they should know. H20, Dag Nasty, Refused, Bad Religion, Anti Flag, and many others. If you're in a young band and haven't listened to any of these bands...please do that soon.

The "Downfalls" Of Us All

I just felt the need to update this, I guess I just missed typing about things. Well anyways, life has been pretty consistent, but not consistent enough to make it boring. On most days, I wake up at around noon, get online to check everything. My myspace, e-mail, messages, etc. Get some food to satisfy my hunger needs, then tend back to my room. For some more networking work. Seems like a boring routine I suppose, but I know that it's what I have to do in order to get things done. Anyways, lately things seem to be repetitive. I do know though that it will all pay off within given time. Anyways, to get a few things off of my chest though...

I know that each and every one of us goes through a period in time where we are not satisfied with ourselves. We feel useless, tired of our surroundings, and feel that we don't measure up to others expectations of us. I have talked to a few close friends of mine who are currently going through this, along with the rest of us. We can't give up on the main objective of the passion that lies deep down inside of us. Tough moments and obstacles that come across in our life time are only set there to determine how bad we really want things, how bad we want our dreams to be fully produced. I know that it's hard for us to remind ourselves every day of these inner realities, but I think that those moments where we feel as if we are having a downfall...are really the experiences that pick us up.

To those who know me really well, I never seek failure as an option or copping out a consideration when it comes to something I am passionate about. But really, if you are reading this and are passionate about something, finish it, conquer it, and own it. The downfalls from life are only there to see if you want it bad enough. No dream is ever worth doubting nor being put to the side.

My tattytew and the love behind it.

As the majority of you know, I had received my first tattoo last month. What the majority of you don't know is that there is actually MEANING behind that little turquoise elephant with the hearts coming out of it's trunk. Some of you call it stupid, some of you call it cute, but I see it as faith and reassurance. It's something that is going to stay with me for the rest of my life, and I am damn proud of it. It's in a place where it's easily visible to the eye so everyone can see it. So everyone can ask what it means to me. And I am more than glad to tell that story every time, but I just figured that I should record these feelings somewhere, so I chose here [:

It's in honor of my Grandma Eve. She's still alive folks, so no need to worry lol! My Granma loves loves loves loves elephants and I knew that I would want to get a tattoo in her honor some day. She's always been a part of my life, regardless of distance and the time change. She'd always tell us that she loved us and that we should never shoot for anything less of what we really want. My Grandma was always the one to literally be at my side helping me through some of the toughest tribulations that I've ever been through. I find it remarkable that she's always kept me sane haha. Sure she'd have her moments when she was mad at all of us, but she never let it go on for more than a few hours.

Here is her story. We've all had our tribulations and obstacles in life. Some let their past get the best of them, others live on. My Grandma is one of the few that live on and don't look back and when she does, it's just a reminder on how those moments made her into a better person. As most of you know, I'm Filipino and both sides of my family are from the Philippines. My Grandma got married, had my mom, had my uncle Willy, and had my other uncle Daniel. I don't know exactly what happened but, my blood Grandpa from my Mother's side had passed away when my Mom and Uncles were still kids. I believe shortly after or a bit before that, my uncle Daniel passed when he was just a kid, no more older than the age of six I want to say. I don't think that I could ever bear the thought of losing both my husband and child at such an early time into the relationship. Down the road, she had also met my Auntie Karen's father but that just didn't work out I suppose. However, those two remain on really good terms.

A few years go by and my Grandma meets this man, my Auntie Shelia's dad. He was in the United States Navy and I guess he was in the Philippines for some Naval work when they met. They ended up getting married and headed over to the United States...without my my Mom, Uncle, and Aunt. For me to hear that breaks my heart. I don't think that I could ever feel the amount of guilt that my Grandma had. I know that deep down, she had to do what she had to do in order to at least try and get them to the states, to better their lives. You know that in some point of our lives, we get ourselves into something that we don't think will negatively alter our original thoughts about it...but they do. My Granma married this guy, not knowing that he'd end up being the person he really turned out to be... one bad cookie. Like one of those nasty ones you'd get at some revolting bakery... T__T. During the course of their marriage he was a control freak. He wouldn't let her out of the house, wouldn't let her interact with the neighbors, wouldn't let her talk to her family that much, say how much he hated Filipinos (even though he married one?), and I believe at some point he had slashed the tires on her bike so she wouldn't be able to ride around. Even though those were enough indications already for a divorce she still pulled through. She ended up getting pregnant and had my Aunt. I don't feel it's quite my place to discuss what happened to my aunt or my Granma during that time span but let's just say that marriage ended with a restraining order.

With the guilt, coping with a divorce, and a sense of loneliness...my Granma still didn't give up. I believe after the marriage she had moved in with my Granma Rose, her husband, and their daughter my Aunt Erica. During those months, or so I am assuming, she had met my Granpa Bob at a bowling alley! I'm not quite sure how that worked out, but I am sure glad that it did. I am not an advocate of luck, so I wouldn't call that a lucky moment. My Granmother deserved, she needed him to help patch her back up. My Granpa Bob is one phenomenal man. After marrying my Granma, taking the responsibility of caring for my Aunt, and finally bringing my Mom, Uncle, and Aunt (well as for my aunt, it took a few years to get her here) to the United States he was the one that made impossible possible. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here...completely nonexistent.

After I heard all of that when I was growing up, I realized that I should never hold myself back, seek for anything less, and that I shouldn't let obstacles weigh me down or the others around me. Regardless of the situation I am to be placed in. Another thing is that there are so many things in life worth waiting for, it's just all in the matter of having faith in it. Believing that it's going to happen, knowing that in the near future...things will fall into place. Like right now, I'm waiting for something I really want. I can't have it all right now but I am sure that one day the work and wait will pay it all off. My Granma had faith for what lied for her ahead, she waited...but worked while she waited for it.

It just comes to show, that you should never lose faith in something that you have so much heart, love, and compassion in. And waking up, seeing my little blue elephant reminds me of that every day.